I am not a big car magnet guy myself, but I do enjoy the art form – lots of emotions being expressed in creative ways. Sometimes the very complicated ones remind me too much of losing repeatedly in the game Concentration as a child. I was a bit of a plodder and really cannot afford to rear-end someone while I figure it out.
Yet, several weeks ago as I was leaving my high school reunion at Bishop McGuinness High School, I was motivated. It was a delightful, enriching time. The school’s advancement people had all kinds of lagniappe available. I picked up a car magnet for myself on the way out. I was quickly reminded that they just don’t make cars the way they used to. It took some surfing around the tail end of my car to find a magnetic field. Magnets just do not work on plastic!
The Science of Magnetism
Our feared Chemistry and Physics instructor Sister Rita Xavier was clear that magnetic fields are those in which positive and negative charges are both present. Opposites attract. In relationships, it means that someone must actively receive a message while the other party shares information. And, I emphasize active because it is entirely possible that one can be present, and neither give nor receive. I believe that’s what plastic is and maybe a good way of saying that people can be completely false in their interactions with each other. Presence is not enough if overshadowed by disinterest.
That’s why listening is the first variable in the Bizzics Bonding Formula. The most permanent levels of attachment cannot be achieved unless a basic field of giving and receiving is created. The way we listen to our clients is predictive of the lifetime value of a client, and the ability of any business to survive over an extended period of time.
Many books have been written on the art of active listening. One that I have enjoyed is Power Listening by Bernard Ferrari. I am particularly fond of John Maxwell’s Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, although it addresses many more topics than active listening. I am sure you have your own favorite. Based on my reading and personal experience, my simplistic understanding of active listening includes a few basic tenets.
It Is Work and Takes Energy
Committing to listen is an intentional act that requires inner work. Our ego state fights us every step of the way. We have things to say, we disagree, judge, and become emotionally charged in the most honest conversations. Committing to simply listen is truly selfless act and a gift to the sender. It is a solid place to stick – IF we absolutely make it about the “other”.
Communications Are Complex
We must acknowledge the complexity of communications. The most obvious thing we receive are words, but studies have shown that words represent less than 10% of total communication. Body language and tone represent the other 90+%. In its most sublime form, active listening takes place in a quiet place, free of distractions. It is a paradox that great listeners expend tremendous energy as they seemingly sit and receive, kind of Zen-like. All the while the great listener is like an industrial vacuum cleaner, pulling in the language, the body movements, facial expressions, eye contact, breathing, speech cadence, volume – and more! Every bit of it swirls through the cortex, trying to make sense of it all, while the self is restrained and repurposed to curiosity. It’s a lot, and we know it. Sometimes we just do not have the energy.
More problematic is the hyper-distracted world we live in and our reliance on electronic communications. There is not an emoji for everything. Quite frankly, I do not understand what emotion most emojis are attempting to convey. I do believe it is something less than what the emotion really is. And while I am riled up, let me ask this question….is there a law of diminishing returns on exclamation points to convey emotions?
Not Listening Well Has Consequences
Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing that opting to not listen well is a benign act. Not having time, space, or energy to listen well, we avoid conflicts and expectations for us to change behavior based on what we receive. What I have learned over the years is that there are few things worse or human beings than not being heard. Anger, withdrawal, and sometimes pure revolt are the byproducts when what is most important to the sender is left unheard. At a minimum, we experience great disappointment and the missed opportunity to show up in a big way in someone’s life. How did Ralphie’s aunt think the pink bunny suit would be a winner in A Christmas Story? It could happen to you and your customers.
Get Started Now
Listening is the beginning of great things for you and your clients. I know I am not alone in a vivid childhood memory. My mother rarely went to someone’s home without offering something warm and fresh out of the oven. It always started the visit off with great energy and a welcoming spirit. Active listening is a true gift to anyone who receives it. It is magnetic. A starting point for even stronger bonding in which clients rarely leave us, tell us what they want, and help us make our businesses consistently better.
